Wednesday, December 1, 2010

the lunatics are on my grass

Thought I'd tell you a little story about my neighbors. My Texas neighbors. Is there a lesson to be learned here? Probably, if you try.

Neighbor number one.
I shall call her poopface.
I was oh so lonely when we first moved here. I met ol' poopface pretty quick. She has two daughters the same age as mine so we were together at the bus stop every morning. I, eager to make a friend, did, and ended up becoming the free babysitter.
I soon found out that these kids had no rules and lots of issues. Entering my house at all hours of the day and night and never knocking. Taking my kids toys out of the yard to their house ALL THE TIME. Never going home. But there was a bit more to these kids. I know they are children, but there was something sinister. I remember lots of mornings waking up to find them staring in my back bedroom door at me. Weird. It was causing stress on my family and relationship, and finally, I hit my breaking point around 7 months pregnant with the babe. I could take it no more!
One evening I was discussing with poopface how I would no longer be the free and anytime child care for her offspring. During this conversation, her two snuck in my back door to where the baby kitties were. This was not allowed. The kids were mean and I feared for the kittens life when they were around. I rallied them out of the house and the mother sent them home. I thought. I end the conversation with poopface and enter my home to find her kids. Who once again, snuck in my back door. I grabbed them up and rushed them to my front porch to give them to the mother. I am standing there trying to make a point when I heard some muffled "meow" sounds. Where is that coming from? Am I crazy? I think it is coming from their crotch! And it is! Those kids got our baby kitties and shoved them in their panties, zipped up their pants and were making their get away. I literally lost my mind. Probably was foaming at the mouth a bit. I pull down their pants, ol' poopface is just standing there. I grab the kitties and they were pretty much dead. The kids then proceeded to get one of the dead ones and make it dance around. I am in horror. The mom says lets go girls, she is a little upset now and proceeds to leave. And my giganto prego self is standing there screaming god knows what to this woman and her kids as they go, holding my dead and near dead baby kitties. And that is it.
Lesson here? I don't know. Don't put baby kitties in your panties? Maybe. Don't latch on to the first human you meet no matter how lonely you are? Maybe.
Some people can just be fucked up and I happened to befriend one of these people? Most likely

Neighbor number two.
I'll call her crazy.
You could call me crazy. Guess where I met her. The bus stop. With her two kids the same age as mine. Should known. Guess I deserved it.
You know the thing about history repeating its self? Well, I do. But I must have forgot that day. I remember the day she ask me to watch her kids. I remember telling her I had just met a woman (poopface) with two girls and how that whole thing ended up. Crazy reassured me that there was no crazy stuff going on here. She just needed a sitter.
And I was still lonely.
You know it really is the perfect situation. I stay home with my kids, so why not keep someone else's kids. Someone for mine to play with, help someone else out, sometimes make a bit of cash. Why not?
And so it began again. These little ones were a whole different kind of messed up.The young one particularly. Do not tell her no or you can bet someone is going to bite your breast till it bleeds, kick you in the shins while pulling out chunks of your hair before they end up running out of your door screaming down the street. Having learned the first lesson with he first ones, I,after a good long while, told Crazy that this was not working out. This two ended in disaster. I can't pick just one crazy story to tell you about the way things ended with crazy, so I wont. But know, it was crazy. Nasty facebook messages, stare downs, middle fingers, school involvement, threat of police involvement, and scars are just a few ways it ended.
Lesson here? Obviously.
Which one? Quit watching your neighbors kids.
If they tell you they are normal they are not.
Don't forget stuff you have already went through and learned, dummy!
Who freaking knows?!

Neighbor number three.
Mr. x
I will call him that because we called him Mr.(his name)
He was oh so good. He is an older man whose wife is sick like my papa is sick. Bad.
In a nursing home, knows no one. You know the drill.
We kind of bonded on this subject having similar situations regarding our loved ones loosing their minds. My family would take him dinner occasionally. My husband would do work for him, take him a six pack and shoot the shit.
Finally a normal neighbor! Someone we are in no way obligated to and has no kids. Say hi, sometimes wave, sometimes visit, go in your house and that's it. Perfect. And really dug the old guy. We had some pretty awesome conversations.
And then one day Mr. x left a threatening letter in the mailbox that said "Get rid of your barking dogs or else"
Which the girls got since they check the mail and all.
And he never spoke to me again, or even made eye contact for that matter.
Needless to say, we bought one of those bark collars for the little barker. I hate those things, I feel they are cruel and unusual punishment for doing what is natural to do as a dog. But it was that or wait for him to end up poisoned.
What the hell happened there?
What is my lesson?
As you may or may not know, our little dog died recently. I wanted to leave him a note that said he is dead now, wanna talk? But instead I guess we will just go on not looking at each other when we pass.

So three strikes you are out, right?
I should have learned.
Well I did. I don't talk to any neighbors EVER. If someone says hi, I will say it back, but that is it. Or so I thought.

When my husband was out of town my car broke down. I don't know anyone here. Really. No one to call other than a tow truck. So I knocked on a door.
There is a man down the street. We have always called him the cussing man. He cusses at everything, and loud. He cusses at his plants. He cusses at his car. He cusses at his garden hose. He cusses at his flag pole. He cusses a lot.
But also smiles and waves when he and his wife drive by, and we trick or treat there, have been to yard sales and such, so I felt comfortable knocking on the door to ask for a jump.
He came and helped us out. Saved the day really. And came back the next day and charged my battery. I developed a new opinion on the cussing man. Just because he is going to kill his motherfucking garden hose, doesn't mean he won't help out a lady and her kids in need.
So to now. I guess the reason I even started writing this down. Yesterday there was a fire in my neighborhood. I went outside to see the commotion. The cussing man was across the street and walked over to me. He made a bit of small talk about the fire, and so did I. He said thank you for the thank you card we left them for helping us out. I again thanked him for helping us out.
I was standing on the steps, as you can see in my photo over there. He was about six inches below me on the sidewalk right in front of me.
He says, "Well this is the perfect height"
I say "Huh?"
Really, what is he talking about. Perfect height???
He then proceeds to pretend he is sucking on my tits. You know how Jim Carey does to that lady in Me, Myself and Irene? I know you can do it right now. Just stick your lips out like a duck and do that suck face thing. WTF. For real.
I am just standing there looking at this guy, and so is another neighbor. And just when I thought the cussing man was kind of good. I now can think of a million things to say to him in that moment, but in the shock of it all, I just said "whatever" and turned my body away from him. He immediately walked back to the other side of the street and that was it.
Later when I tell my husband, who nearly is "ROTFL", I ask him if there is any way he would ever do this to a woman. He says "Hell no, but I hope when I am that age I do."
I don't know but that is some funny/disgusting/degrading/ass stuff there! I can't think of a more bizarre moment in my life ever. Standing there while a grown up man pretends to suck on my boob.
No wonder I am lonely in this neighborhood. I tell some people sometimes about my Texas neighbors. They tell me no one would believe this crazy story. But its true.

So there. The end. This is the sad saga of my neighbors thus far in Texas. Hope you got a laugh out of it. I got a few and a little bit more than that.


  1. They seriously put kittens in their UNDERWEAR?! To paraphrase Greater Tuna, "Those kids just aren't right." WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT??!!! Although, The Dead Kittens would be an awesome name for a band. Did you know I know the lead singer for The Chainsaw Kittens? Now I sound like a BING commercial. I'll stop now.

  2. Bing! Yes. They did. I think it is one of the most fucked up moments of my life. If it was somehow recorded, people would think it was fake. Thats what I get, huh.
    Chainsaw Kittens rock. That is awesome!

  3. Tyson Meade. I knew him when he was in HS and sang for a band called The Flying Dots. At OU he was in Defenestration, then CK.