Hold steady, stay positive

It is with a sad heart that I write tonight. It's is also with a few brews and a few sad songs. Someone I once knew has died. He was not my friend. He was not not my friend. He was almost a part of all of us a few and many years back when he shared his heart with my sister. It has been more than a week now since I heard the news. I am really struggling with this, my sweet friends. Many many reasons...way too much here is wrong. I will not tarnish his privacy. Even if he does not need it any longer. I am struggling here because I do not know why this has affected me so. He was a love to my sister. Not me. But my sister shares my heart. So, who she loves, I do as well. We all do. This great sadness has washed over me. This man I knew for such a short time of his life is dead by his own choosing. It is hard for me to think of the joy he brought to us all and the sadness he must have felt at the end of his life. I think of him and happy thoughts and funny stories run through my mind. There was no anger in his and my sisters parting of ways. Only sadness that the rough spots could not be worked through. She always had a fondness for him, as did I, being her big sister. You remember the nice ones. Years go by. There is the occasional conversation of him through things brought about by a certain memory, or a certain photograph on the wall. No more, no less. Just a memory. Till you hear the news.
He chose to end his own life.
By his own hand.
When you hear of other people choosing this line of "action" you think to yourself, well I always did, " You pussy!" Or "God, tough it out, already! Takin' the easy way out.." All these things I have said in the past when discussing suicide. But when it is someone you once cared for, it hits you in a different way. The sadness. How must he have felt. What in the world has happened in the last few years? Oh my god, his parents. I look at my girls dancing or riding their bikes or just sitting, or sleeping, and I think of his mother. To now know how much pain her child must have been in, and how if she only knew, she would have made it better. Of course she would have.
Or his father. That is his son.
Or of his siblings. He was crazy about them. I bet they were crazy about him, too. Bet they would have done anything they could have...
Or his friends. I have friends. You are one. You have friends. What if you got that news? What if you got up in the morning and heard that I had killed myself? What thoughts would go through your head? "Did I know she was sad? Did I do something wrong? When did I call last? What did I say? Why didn't I visit? Why did they do it? Why didn't they tell me? I could have helped them."
It was the day after his funeral, which I did not attend. It was beautiful. I ran to the store. Coming home, music on, sun roof down. Heading home to people that love me, getting ready to be in nature, take in the air. I begin to sob. What if he had just made it one more day. What if he had woke up today like I did, and saw that it was beautiful? Wouldn't he be glad he didn't do it? What does it matter.
This whole thing has shook me. Hard.
I went through this time of "deleting" people out of my life. I am sitting here now thinking, what If I heard that person died. I look at people in our virtual world, in this kind of fake face book life and think, who the fuck are you? Now I think, I am glad you are alive. I'm not so quick to snap at the person at the market. Or to honk my horn to the idiot on the highway. You just never know, my friend. That person may be on their way home to end their life. Maybe they just can't take it any more. Maybe they just want something they can never have. Maybe there is no end in sight. No light at the end of their tunnel.

LOVE!
LOVE!
LOVE, my friends.
And smile. Be kind. It could make such a difference. You just may never know.
People die. Every day. Every second. But when it is someone in your circle of life, someone with a choice, you are left sitting, thinking, what could I have done about these tragic things that I now can not change. My heart aches for this loss of life. My heart aches for his sadness. My heart aches for his loved ones. My heart aches for my sister.

I will end this now with a video he posted on his page. He must have liked it. It must have meant something to him. It's called "Stay Positive".

Here's to you, young man.
Never forgetting. Holding steady. Trying to stay positive.