Greener Grass

Lonely...oh so lonely~
Ok, gals. I feel like a total looser! I have been here in TX for almost 4 years now. I have met many people here that I love dearly. People that I may even say are the unknown reason we have moved here. I wouldn't trade them, or their love for anything. But DAMN I miss home! When does it get easier? When will I feel like this is home? I mean...I do, in some aspects of it. This is my home. We have made it that way. My husband has done his manly duty and made this place beautiful for us. I have done my wifely duty and made this house a home. There is not a spot on our walls that are not covered in our photo's or art work. I finally have my garden going again. It is finally all coming together. The girls are getting older. Established. They have their activities, they have their friends and what not. As do I. I have my places I go and my people I see. The farmers market is a regular, going to hang at the old office with my loves, we go to concerts every now and then. That is few and far between due to the fact that we have three children that we trust with no one other than family and family is not here. I just want to know when I will get over it. When will the day come that we get in the car to go to Tulsa and and I don't say "We are going home!"...Wait...stop....that is not home. Not anymore anyway. I just feel like a mother and a wife, that this should be it. This should be enough. But honestly, I am never happier than I am at home, in Oklahoma, with our people. And I truly think the rest of us feel the same way. My husband has made some friendships here that I feel were meant to be. Stars aligning and all that shit. People I feel he will love till the day he dies. I have, as I already said, met a few women here I wouldn't trade anything for. And the girls were so young when we came, they don't even remember their old friends from school. Or their old school for that matter. Of course they miss our "regular" people, the ones that have been there since birth, but they are all good. Why am I not? When will I be? But, man, when we go "home" we are different people, it is like we just "fit" there. We belong there. It has been so long. Four years have gone by. Well, almost. We have had another baby who is more than two now. We have gotten married. We have found a home. We are thriving on the outside. Wouldn't hurt to win the lottery. But whatever. People move. This is a fact of life! I think I am just weak. The ties I have to my family, my sister, my friends that I love with all my heart, it just never gets easier. I was sitting here tonight chatting with my sister, the other part of me, on facebook, my middle girl was telling her jokes via facebook chat, and it just felt so generic. We should be there, in person. We should be able to wrap our arms around each other. They should be able to tell those jokes face to face. I think it is something in my brain that I have not found the switch for. The off switch. The one for Oklahoma. You don't live there. You are not going back. It will forever and always be a long distance relationship with the people we left behind. You see! I can type these words. It's as simple as that. So why does it not work that way in my mind? Why do I feel like we will go home one day when I know we wont. This is where we are. My children are like blossoming flowers here. My husband and his work is an excellent thing. I have been able to be home with my girls for years now, which is just where I want to be. So tell me, why is this not enough? Am I selfish? Because I know in my brain, all i need, all I will ever need is right in these walls of this house we live in. These four people are my everything, so why is it the extra that I long for? There is just something different about old friends. About sisters. About mothers and fathers and nannys and papas and aunts and all of that. Something that new will never replace. No matter how absolutely wonderful the new is, it is still not the old comforts you are used to. If I could just convince all the people I love back home to move down here! HA!
As you know, we lost a human we once loved last week. Going through that being a state away from the person I know is hurting really sucks. Not being able to wrap my arms around my sister and cry with her, and talk with her and reminisce with her. The phone is just not the same. Having these life changing moments with these people I love more than anything over the phone just feels so cheep.
A few of you women friends of mine are going through some shit right now. God, how I want to hug you! I could tell you with my face and my vibes and my love that I am here for you! That I will be. I feel that these are things I can not express on the internet or the telephone. I want to be there with you while you go through what you go through. (caterpillar) I want to cry with you as well, and then make you laugh. In real life. I hope you know that. But the phone, and this silly blog(what a word!)and the facebook are the closest thing I have to you, to I guess that is what I will take.
So excuse me while I whine. I know. Pathetic! It could be worse. I could be homeless, or have some awful disease, or could live in Dar fur or some crazy stuff like that. It is so easy to say that though. It is so hard to step out of my box and realize.
I feel I have grown way to attached to facebook. I feel like I am connected to you all. I feel like I am there. I can post my photos and share with my loved ones and we can talk and laugh about it all like we were all together when it happened. But truth is, we were not.
I just don't get it. How can things be good and me miss the old? And honestly, the old wasn't all that great! Other wise we wouldn't have left. But you know what they say about the grass being greener. Maybe it is my age. Maybe it is my hormones! Who freaking knows. Maybe it was just the last week or two that have been emotionally extra rough.
Ok, so anyway, I know this has to do with nothing! This is not political, or environmental, or even a good read. Just little old me, just bitching and whining. I just miss you Oklahoma, and you people I love that are there more than I ever knew that I would. I miss you. I'm lonely for that old comfort I found in it all, you all. And I am afraid it is something that will last a whole lot longer than four years. I am not a Texan. Never thought of myself as an Okie till we left.
Bottom line. I miss you old friends.
I miss you family.
I miss you beautiful state.
And I wish I didn't.
I love you all. I had no idea how long I would miss you. You humans, you state in which I was born. xoxo